Browsing the classified section of a local artsy newspaper recently, I came across an unusual ad for a "Personal Assistant to the CEO." The size of the ad is what initially caught my eye: this local paper’s classified ads are typically of the 2- or 3-line variety, hardly any detail at all; this ad filled several columns. Following the introductory overview of the position, there were no less than 30 line items specifically detailing the responsibilities and expected taskwork for the job.
I was intrigued. The job certainly had functions related to business, like handling expense filing and phone calls, managing appointments and lunch reservations. Then there were the ‘Girl Friday" bits, like handling car maintenance and pick-up of prescriptions and dry-cleaning. Last, there were entries listing all the miscellaneous tasks that would be part of the deal.
The bulk of the remaining line items were miscellaneous tasks, from the Thank-God-I-Can-Afford-To-Pay-Someone-To-Do-All-This-Crap category. The lucky Personal Assistant must be proficient in internet navigation, to facilitate worldwide searches for "items the CEO is interested in." Naturally there would be extensive travel and event planning (of an exotic nature), so experience in that area would sure be helpful. Shopping looked like a huge part of the job, with holidays/birthdays/anniversaries on the to-do list for not only friends & family, but also business partners and random other people moving through the CEO’s busy world. Most annoying of all, the Personal Assistant would be responsible for handling Parent-Teacher issues, all school meetings, and even "coordinating child’s visitation with other parent" on a weekly basis. Yikes! What doesn’t this paid slave have on her plate?! [NOTE: Not listed on the job description, although it would be a "given," as a friend said, were tasks like 1) management of mistress(es), including condo expenses and purchase of gifts as needed; 2) coordination & facilitation of LIES to family concerning mistress(es).]
Then I noticed something more amazing: the Personal Assistant is apparently just one of a whole team of assistants on the CEO’s books. There were references to the "Executive Assistant," the "Household Staff," and the "Nanny" as well. At that point, I slipped into a 30-minute hallucination about how it must feel to be the center of an assistant-supported universe…
My Assistant could be in charge of birthday party invitations---buying gifts, wrapping them up, hauling my kids there, and sitting through the festivities at Chuck-e-Cheese. My Assistant could be in charge of procuring items I desire on a whim ("Go find me a Prius Hybrid. I want it in the driveway today!"). My Assistant would manage my appointment book, ensuring I never again forget it is School Fair Day or my sister’s birthday. It’s my Assistant’s job to find me a cook, a maid, a trainer, and a driver to ‘complete the team.’ My Assistant will handle the telemarketer calls! My Assistant will get the oil changed in my car! My Assistant will load music onto my iPod!
Right. Except I don’t have a Personal Assistant (my husband might remark here that he has been performing most of these functions for me, just without the lofty title and 401K plan). This lack of support staff is depressing. How can I be expected to handle all the tasks listed on the giant job posting? No wonder I am exhausted!
Maybe I should quit my real job and apply for the Personal Assistant position---at least then I would be handsomely compensated for dealing with the annoyances of modern life. Salary wasn’t listed on the original ad, although hopefully the CEO wouldn’t expect you to deal with his wife, his mistress, and his ex-wife for less than $80K a year…right? Now that I think about it, I don’t think I could sign up under even those payment conditions: handling school activities and car maintenance alone is grief enough to warrant at least $100K or so. Perhaps the job should have line-item "bonuses" attached to certain tasks, like $200 for each Teacher Conference or $350 per birthday party ($500 if it includes a Bounce House).
Premiums aside, Personal Assistant might be a pretty crummy job after all, even with international travel included. As the indentured servant of the Wealthy and Powerful, you are expected to do all the things (for money) that you already hate to do in your own life (for free, or I guess for love). Then there’s the added depression that would naturally come from seeing the lifestyles of the rich and famous on a daily basis, so close and yet so far!
Is there paid Mental LOA for Personal Assistants?