Road Rules

It’s been a year since my daily commute time lengthened to 2 hours round-trip. With 3000+ driving hours’ experience with my fellow Texas drivers, I have finally compiled my improved list of 5 "Road Rules" to improve the situation here:

Road Rule #1, and the most important rule, is At All Times, Drive As Fast As You [Safely] Can. With traffic backed up in various places every day, drivers need to "make up time" whenever possible. This seems like an obvious thing to point out, but I constantly notice drivers casually motoring down the open road when a gigantic traffic jam looms a mile ahead. Refresh yourself on your high-school math, people: we need to increase our average speed on the commute; since the slow traffic areas are unavoidable, you must get moving whenever possible. I added the "safely" to the rule only because there are a few idiots out there would probably try to fly down a residential street going 70mph (but honestly, the traffic here is so bad I wish you good luck on finding any opportunity to speed in the first place).

The second rule is even simpler: Be Aware Of What The Hell Is Going On Around You. Believe it or not, the universe doesn’t include only you and your vehicle! There are other vehicles sharing the same exact roads! How do I know these drivers aren’t aware of their surroundings? 1) They are sitting at the green light, jamming out to their iPods, deaf to the horns blaring from cars 10-deep behind them. 2) They are picking their noses, fingers jammed in up to the knuckles. 3) They are talking on their phones and driving 10-mph. 4) They are sitting at a dead stop, when moving forward a mere 3 inches would allow a line of right-turning vehicles to get around them at the traffic signal.

Speaking of right turns, how about Rule # 3: Don’t Block the Right Lane At A Traffic Signal. "Right turn on red" is a great feature of modern-day driving. I am incensed when I pull up to one of those allegedly-dangerous intersections marked NO TURN ON RED---the government can’t take away my rights! Yet there are numerous people who think nothing of rolling to a stop at the intersection and blocking the entire right lane for every other decent person who needs to turn right. Never mind the fact that they will have no need to be in the right lane for miles and miles---or ever. There they sit, oblivious to the fact that their poor choices are making it impossible for the right-turners behind them to alleviate any of the traffic congestion in the area.

Rule #4: Turn Signals Need Rarely Be Used. In Texas at least, no one will let you merge in or change lanes, regardless of whether you are using the turn signal to alert them to your intentions (remember: these people are already violating Rule #2 to begin with). A friend of mine made a giant sign-on-a-stick that says "Please?" and he waves it out his car window to try to get a merciful merge-in; most of the time, the unaware just drive on but he does flash the "Thank You" side if he gets the very occasional courteous wave-in. The turn signal is a necessity, however, in one situation: when you are approaching an intersection where another car is waiting to cross or join the traffic. This is probably the most frustrating thing in a traffic-congested world: you’re sitting at the intersection or the parking lot, looking for a chance to dart out into the traffic flow; suddenly you see a slower-moving car which might be getting ready to turn but who knows? You can’t just assume they are turning since 50% of the time they are simply slow-driving cellphone talkers, and pulling out in front of them would get you killed. So here they come, and finally they put on their turn signal ONE FOOT AHEAD of the intersection, to ‘signal’ their intentions. By then you are stuck as you are, the traffic-merge moment gone because the car behind them is already upon you.

And the final edict, Rule # 5: Know How to Deal With The 4-Way Stop. The 4-way stop is pretty popular around here; in other parts of the country I would amend this rule to say Know How to Deal With The Traffic Circle, perhaps, or even Know How to Deal With The Tollgate Area. The 4-way stop is a staple of the Texas residential plan, so I have plenty of opportunities to see people driving with ignorance in this regard. Be alert at the 4-way, people! This isn’t the 1950s where everybody sits and waits for each car to ‘take their turn’ going around the intersection! With 2 lanes or more on each leg of the 4-way, get ready to partner up when the others on your leg (and the opposite leg) start to move! These are GIANT INTERSECTIONS, you can start to pull out before the other people clear the entire thing and start driving into the next county! Improving this one situation would probably reduce the rest of the traffic jamming to nothing of consequence.

1.2.3.4.5. Now DRIVE.

Halloween

Last night was Halloween, my favorite childhood holiday. Being a no-allowance kid (my parents preferred to dole out the cash on an as-needed basis), I was never certain when I might be able to gather enough funding to get my next candy fix...so Halloween was a once-a-year opportunity to stockpile treats.

In those days, most of us had homemade costumes: I remember being an Indian Princess one year (my sister's hand-me-down outfit from a school play), a cat another year (black clothes, whiskers painted on with an eyeliner, cardboard ears). For kids with mothers crafty enough, there was the occasional homemade-but-fancy costume, like the tomato suit my best friend wore in 6th grade. And don't even ask if we were carrying around those tiny plastic pumpkin buckets so popular these days---we used giant pillowcases or even garbage bags, the bigger the better.

Tiny buckets, no more homemade popcorn balls, and forget the rotten eggs and toilet paper---the biggest Halloween change I am noticing nowadays is the COSTUME. Being sick this holiday, I was relegated to the cheerful task of answering the doorbell at home while my own goblins went traipsing around the neighborhood with their Father. Here's what I observed in regard to costumes:

Homemade outfits? None in sight. Guess all these stay-at-home Moms around here didn't spend enough time in Home Economics in High School.

Infants and toddlers dress consistently as either princess-variety or superhero-variety. By "princess" I am generally meaning that they have long frothy gowns with tiaras and wands, sparkles all over (scary factor = zero). For superheroes the Power Rangers have apparently made a comeback, but only the BLUE one is in favor. I saw a Batman or two and even a Ninja Turtle; Spiderman must be out of vogue and Hulk is too hot for Texas treat-or-treat. In terms of scariness, I would have to also rate the toddler superheroes a "zero" (although I did get a lurch in my gut when I opened the door to three Darth Vaders standing silently with buckets extended).

Whore costumes seem to be pretty popular, in all formats: whore-cheerleader, whore-rockstar, whore-genie, etc. A "whore" outfit is anything that allows the pre-teen (gasp!) and teenage girl to show her entire stomach---and bellyring, in some cases---as well as load up on the eye makeup and hair extensions. Their Mothers were often escorting them as usual, beaming with pride from the sidewalk. The only accessory missing for most of these girls would be the 6" lucite stillettos favored by strippers, but I suppose those would be a safety concern on the Halloween Trek.

The no-costume costume, as in "I'm too cool to dress up for Halloween but I still want free candy." This category is strictly for the 14-and-older crowd, mainly boys. My Dad's rule of thumb was "No costume, no candy," but I admit I relented and gave them some anyway (not the good stuff though). Even the laziest teenager should be willing to wrap a scarf around their head and say they're a pirate, right? Or even easier, the girls can wear their usual school clothes and go as whores (see notes in the category above)!

Even more bizarre was the fact that many Trick-or-Treaters were more interested in the decor of my house than in candy. "Your house is so-o-o cool!" the girls shrieked, necks angling for a better view. My husband remarked, "Well, after looking in the doors of twenty other beige suburban mansions, ours probably is a bit of a freakshow." (I'm taking that as a compliment---I think.)

By 8:00 it was pretty much over, most kids being of the mindset that they had no need to really stockpile because they can get candy anytime! My own Power Ranger (blue, of course) dipped into his tiny plastic pumpkin bucket and pulled out a very standard-issue Tootsie Pop; our "witch" (read: princess in a black dress) dumped her bucket and went for the more exotic white chocolate Kit-Kat. Overnight, their buckets magically 'deplete' as their evil parents siphon off the brain- and tooth-rotting goodies.

But hey: this neighborhood has one thing going for it: not a single one of those black-and-orange peanut butter taffy candies in the buckets!