I like movies. I do. I even like "films" (the snootier version of a movie, perhaps of the foreign or art-house variety). I enjoy both science-fiction and fantasy plots, and I generally have no problem with suspending my disbelief for the often-unusual plot twists and odd situations. Lately, I have been accused of being a ‘sourpuss’ because I am complaining more and more about the ridiculously unbelievable drivel that moviemakers are throwing out on the screen these days.
Technology is always amazing in the movies. Computers are completely simple to use (and hack into) and provide instantaneous response with incredible graphics: forget cable modems and DSL, movie-PCs must have personal satellite link-ups to move at such blinding speeds. Speed is, of course, a necessity when you are wiring ransom money into your Swiss bank account while the police are beating down your door. And talk about keyboard skills---typing class must be mandatory for thieves, spies, and hackers in the cinema world: you never see some fool hen-pecking the master code into his laptop, painstakingly hitting the delete or backspace along the way. Movie-cellphones never have dead batteries or poor signal strength either (note: an exception does occur when the plot demands a suddenly-dead phone in order to create some unbelievable crisis situation).
I won’t say that the people in movies are universally good-looking or in shape (there is always a need for the ‘character’ actor), but they all have one thing in common: incredible grip strength. I personally always had trouble even managing the ‘hanging-from-a-bar’ test in the Presidential Fitness Challenge as a kid, but movie-people perform superhuman feats in this area without breaking a sweat. Jump from a rooftop at full speed and grab the opposite ledge with one hand? No problem! Hang from a helicopter rail with one hand and pull up your partner with the other? Of course! Slide down a mountain and grab a single tree branch jutting out of the snow? Without a doubt! I have a particular nickname for this grip-strength phenomenon: the "Tango & Cash" (go back and rent that movie if you dare; you will find numerous sequences illustrating the grip-strength fantasy, including one involving a rain-soaked plumbing pipe). I asked my husband to demonstrate the feasibility of movie grip strength by hanging from his fingertips off our fireplace mantel; he was unsuccessful even with both hands, and there was no rain involved at all.
And then there's the vehicle situation. Need to make a quick get-away, but you don't have a car? Just look for the nearest truck (could be a common pickup but is more likely to be a construction or public-service vehicle) and jump in; if the keys aren't already in the ignition, they'll definitely be stuck above the visor. Of course, the truck was unlocked to begin with, no breaking-and-entering necessary. In my own house, we spend plenty of mornings dashing around looking for car keys, so maybe I should make note of this movie tip and just leave 'em "hidden" above the visor. Helicopters, small planes, even UFOs are good options for great escapes in the movies, with simple, easy to understand controls that any amateur can figure out. Naturally traffic is never an issue in cinema-world; neither is fuel (everyone in the movies keeps a full tank of gas at all times, apparently).
Need cash? Ask any movie-friend. Yeah, these characters throw the credit card down occasionally, but for the most part they travel heavy with the greenbacks. Cash rules when it comes to bribes, cabfare ("Keep the change!"), walking out on your date at a restaurant, or making the covert drug or hooker transaction. In my world, people travel with virtually no cash these days; the debit-card is convenient for the common man, not so cool for the movie-man.
Last, I am defeated by the non-twist plot twist: the "surprise" that (to me at least) is so obvious. Back in the day, Darth Vader shocked me with "Luke, I am your father." Years later, I am picking through popcorn kernels wondering when "Sixth Sense" is going to end, having figured out the 'shock ending' about 20 minutes into the film. "No way!" my friends shriek. "You knew he was dead the whole time??" Uh, yeah...but it sure was fun just watching the whole thing play out for the next 2 hours---NOT.
Suspend your own disbelief. Me, I'm headed to the nearest wet pipe to hone my grip strength skills.